I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
You Might Also Like
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.
My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.
“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL
Is corn the only vegetable that’s better exploded?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Gather close, children, as i tell a horrific tale of using a separate contraption from your phone called a camera, taking the roll of film out, driving to a photo lab, putting it in an envelope, dropping it in a bin, and then waiting 7-10 days to see pictures unless they lost it.