@LifeUnPinterest

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

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@tangledteatime

Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!

Him: Not you again. Get outta here!

[LATER]

Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir

@fro_vo

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

@IGotsSmarts

I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

@DirtMcTurd

[texting drug dealer]

“You around? I was gonna stop by.”

Yeah what are u looking for?

“I stopped doing drugs, I just miss you”

@iamspacegirl

her: tell me about yourself

me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault

@AndrewChamings

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

@simoncholland

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

@BritXNic

Who needs Karate lessons when you can just have a bee near your head?