Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
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Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!
Him: Not you again. Get outta here!
Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.
[texting drug dealer]
“You around? I was gonna stop by.”
Yeah what are u looking for?
“I stopped doing drugs, I just miss you”
her: tell me about yourself
me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Who needs Karate lessons when you can just have a bee near your head?