Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Cake safety first. Always.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.