I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.