[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head