Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
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I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second