Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*