@dafloydsta

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

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@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

@RidiculousSheri

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

@sageboggs

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

@princess_snide

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

@GrowlyGrego

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

@longwall26

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

@tastefactory

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

@IamEveryDayPpl

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

@AristotlesNZ

This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.