Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Tired parents

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What I said:

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.


I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.


The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad


As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.


*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”


FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.


*bees surround guy*
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…


I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.


This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.