Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
nothing saves money like being antisocial
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot