Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

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Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.


The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.


I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.


Me for many years: I wish my friends were interested in politics

Now that all my friends are interested in politics: Oh this sucks actually


Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.


I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.


So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.


I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants.

Because we shouldn’t eat the things that make oxygen.

Your move Vegans


MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.