Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.