[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
You Might Also Like
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
When I tell you I butt-dialed you, I’m not saying it was an accident, I just want you to be impressed.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.