@DBMaxP

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

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@DanMentos

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

@SteveHofstetter

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

@papasuncle

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

@PhilJamesson

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

@davidgrossTV

When I tell you I butt-dialed you, I’m not saying it was an accident, I just want you to be impressed.

@ThinkingSavage

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

@ZombieProblms

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

@Henry_3k

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.