Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
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*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.