Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
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With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’
My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?