dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
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[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
and now we wait
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.