@lawyerthoughts

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

@Salsabeard

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

@FO_ASchatz

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

@SCbchbum

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

@Bahstonlady

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

@bingowings14

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

@lottie_fly_x

Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’

My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*

@DrawingShadows

Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?