@AngryRaccoon2

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

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@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@jergarl

One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.

Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.

@BoozeWallet

*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*

*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*

@SuperTeeWhy

Jaws (2015):
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”

@Rich_McCarthy

Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”

@duplicitron

Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

@Sugar_Pac

I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.

@elunatyk

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

@robdelaney

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

@NourhanKheir

an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear.btw ur neighbor might come as well.