There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
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One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.
Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.
*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*
*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”
Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear.btw ur neighbor might come as well.