Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
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Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote