ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
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was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Just how popey was the pope today?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn