If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
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My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Sharon I have some bad news
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume