@Jayden_Bryce

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

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@truegritrumble

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

@sonictyrant

[toon world police department]

Chief of police: describe the explosive device?

Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger

@Smooheed

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

@CornOnTheGoblin

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

@6thgrade4ever

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

@StarWarsProblms

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

@shariv67

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

@RidiculousDak

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

@Nicoleroxxu

One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.

@Try2StopME

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.