Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
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My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW