ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
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[toon world police department]
Chief of police: describe the explosive device?
Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string
Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.