I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
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30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.