I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
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So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
When I can’t barge, I careen.