Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.