@Try2StopME

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

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@mrbenwexler

Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.

GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!

@iwearaonesie

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

@portmanteauface

The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones

@ArfMeasures

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

@UncleDuke1969

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

@Death_Buddy

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

@gavinpivott

WHY HAS THE COST OF BALLOONS INCREASED OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS??

INFLATION!

@McNarstle

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

@JeffisTallguy

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here