Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.
GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
*takes his temperature*
WHY HAS THE COST OF BALLOONS INCREASED OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS??
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here