Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
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[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Every work meeting this week
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?