@MenHumor: Dear McDonald's, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don't think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
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@KeetPotato: [describing criminal to sketch artist] he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
@MariyaAlexander: I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
@Mostly_Cheese: [trying something new] Me: I might mess this up. Friend: Believe in yourself. Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
@iwearaonesie: me: Remember when I was 9 and you promised to take me to get ice cream but you never did? dad: Remember when you were 5 and I picked you up to leave the store and you yelled, “This is not my daddy!” me dad me: Apology accepted