I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Do one person every day that scares you.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
You had me at “define legal”.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.