Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
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I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My favorite type of men is ramen.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.