1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
#parenting
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost