@reczit

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

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@RobinMcCauley

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

@sixfootcandy

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

@SardonicTart

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

@DearAuntAbby

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

@GrantTanaka

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

@Eightinchgoat

My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”

I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?

I need to move.

@SuperRandomish

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

@Schmoodles

I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website.

– White.
– Good condition.
– Reliable.
– Cheap.
– Some evidence of rear end damage.

@GreenishDuck

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

@KeetPotato

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”