I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
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I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Me: ok lil bit
My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”
I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?
I need to move.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website.
– Good condition.
– Some evidence of rear end damage.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
me: “absolutely none”