Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Wake me when AI does housework
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.