Dear middle finger, thank you for sticking up for me.

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Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda


Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.


ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it


“A picture is worth a thousand words.”

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”


“Sir your résumé says you can read minds.”
“Yup. And you’re thinking ‘Why would he put that on a résumé?'”
“Oh. My. God. You’re hired.”


The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person


I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.


Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout

Obama: Joe please.

Biden: too far? Okay what about-



I bet parents get annoyed when their kids ask “are we there yet?” when they’re fully aware they now live in a car


I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.