DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Dear middle finger, thank you for sticking up for me.
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4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
You had me at, “we’ll make it look like an accident.”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Instead of food, I put a note in my kid’s lunchbox that says, “just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children.”
*stares at it*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*act surprised when they mention it*
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.