Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
a badder mouse
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Look at this
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder