if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone
my boss: didn’t i fire you last week
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
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You like me?
*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.
*never hears from you again.
Right then. That’s sorted.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter
Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.