Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
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*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
got so much cardio in today
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.