Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
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If zombies attack I’m heading south, most of those people don’t have teeth.
Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
[at the gym]
Me: what does this machine do?
“Sir, that’s a bench.”
*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I hate Walmart.
The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out