@Dani_Feld

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

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@rcromwell4

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

@DetroitLush

If zombies attack I’m heading south, most of those people don’t have teeth.

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

@hyperblastchic

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

@david8hughes

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

@AndyAsAdjective

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

“Sir, that’s a bench.”

Me: perfect.

@IRLPepperMD

*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy

@OctopusCaveman

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@iGreenMonk

I hate Walmart.

The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out