Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
This will never not be funny 😭
omg leave her alone
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”