18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!
I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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The only appropriate response to “how are you” is the sound made by squeezing an almost empty mustard bottle.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Not to 1up you but *drops green mushroom on your head*
I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo
I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.
No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over his face.
ME: hey baby
ME: *looks closer*
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*