@SexySpainNights

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

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@Pee_And_Giggles

18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!

I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.

@JacobAWare

The only appropriate response to “how are you” is the sound made by squeezing an almost empty mustard bottle.

@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@Parker_Simpson

I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo

@Annoyedworld

I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.

-LA Ink.

@trojansauce

ME: hey baby

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME: *looks closer*

HOT GRILL:

ME: oh

@chimneyspotter

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

@fro_vo

Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*