Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
😂💯
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.