[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.
Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.
Mb: I don’t care just get it done.
I can’t wait to find out what new undeleteable apps that I don’t want will be on the new iPhone.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn’t have to?
[flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors]
Me: Yeah, I’m sweet like that.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?