DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
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‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
accurate
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?