Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
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Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer