Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

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There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.


I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it


Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”


Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?


[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat


cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: “do you know y i pulled u over?” Me: “because Batman is catching all the criminals”


*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.


[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.


I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”


she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”