There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
You Might Also Like
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
A small tragedy.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.