@SaraMansford

Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers:

They don’t want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.

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@pleatedjeans

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

@thatUPSdude

Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.

@prontopup

What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

@DurtMcHurtt

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

@chuuew

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

@anbrll00

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

@_SingleBabyMama

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

@OrdinaryAlso

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

@KeetPotato

technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs

@nappydolemite

This website is free. It only costs you your mental health and you weren’t doing anything with that anyway.