Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers:
They don’t want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.
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Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.
What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
This website is free. It only costs you your mental health and you weren’t doing anything with that anyway.