Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
your honor my client chooses dare
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Imma just leave this here…………
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.