Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.