@KateWhineHall

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

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@Megatronic13

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

@KentWGraham

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

@catcerveny

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

@senorwinces

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

@JohnLyonTweets

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

@motrboatr

I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.

@mydmac

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

@bylinetd

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”