@KateWhineHall

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

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@mack44_d

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

@ClichedOut

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

@PhilJamesson

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

@ShortSleeveSuit

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”jtrulez”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2982601413/d544e141d386084130a35c59ee2914e2_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”320887992258543616″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”208″;s:5:”tweet”;s:112:”Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 6 minutes?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@rage_chaos

“LSD Makes Users Lose Weight”
That makes sense. It’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when
there’s a dragon guarding it.

@thestlouisan

[Texting]

WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
W:
M: Hello?

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

@SvnSxty

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol