Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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