@Megatronic13 Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
@KateWhineHall Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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@Megatronic13 
@KentWGraham If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
@catcerveny Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
@senorwinces Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
@JohnLyonTweets A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
@motrboatr I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.
@mydmac Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
@bylinetd Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
@Six_Pack_Mom Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”
11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”
@IndecisiveJones Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad