Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.