Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
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Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.