@cdncyn

Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo

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@Jen_Mahabir

If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.

@KrangTNelson

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

@briangaar

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

@RealSamHarwood

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

@harvardgraduat

[during sex]

her: punish me

me: [panicking] g-go stand in the corner and think about what u did

@mexinonblonde

*jumps on stage and snatches up mic and screams*

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

*gets escorted out of church*

@TheAlexNevil

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

@SnarkyMommy78

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.