If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.
Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
her: punish me
me: [panicking] g-go stand in the corner and think about what u did
*jumps on stage and snatches up mic and screams*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!
*gets escorted out of church*
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.