dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
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This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels