dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
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The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Growing up was a huge mistake
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.