Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases


O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
รธ: yes


You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.


[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there


[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]


The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.


A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.


Wife: that’s never going to work
Husband: you’re so negative, Sandra
W: you’re planting bird seeds


Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.


me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice