@adrienneMTK
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
@AllanForsyth
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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@adrienneMTK
@Holy_Mowgli
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
รธ: yes
@HitsBelowBelt
You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?
Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.
@stephenjmolloy
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
@UtilityLimb
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
@FreudsTwin
The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.
@theshamingofjay
A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.
@RegularFred
Wife: that’s never going to work
Husband: you’re so negative, Sandra
W: you’re planting bird seeds
H: LET ME GROW MY BIRDS, WOMAN
@Jake1000001
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
@SortaBad
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice