@beefman138

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

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@haolegurl808

One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

@David_Ingram

Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”

@bobvulfov

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

@b0dymassage

“HELP!” Joe pants.

“WHAT IS IT JOE?” I belt.

“I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS.” He cardigans.

@BGH70

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

@EJGomez

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

@Pandamoanimum

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

@nellyweather

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

@horacedodge

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.