One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”
My favorite Jobs:
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
“HELP!” Joe pants.
“WHAT IS IT JOE?” I belt.
“I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS.” He cardigans.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.