@randomnloveit

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

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@SudsBitches

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

@briangaar

Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it

@MarfSalvador

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

@smithsara79

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

@thesulk

“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”

@TheHyyyype

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

@soyourelikethat

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?