Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
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zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My new favorite headline
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.