Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

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Millennial1: What’s a Solar Eclipse?

Millennial2: When the moon photobombs the sun.


If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.


“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.


Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I’m too nice of a person to tell you I’m surprised you got laid in the first place.


Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher


Received DM of the day:

Them: Why are you so angry?

Me: Why are you so stupid?


If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.


You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.