Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
You Might Also Like
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.