[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Why are bridges so flammable.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”