If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”