Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Dammit Chief not again
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*